... For they love you greatly. Honor them. Share with them
your joys as well as the difficulties and sorrows that you have. They will be
helpful to you as they have in the past.
This is a snippit from my patriarchal
blessing and I realize the longer that I'm out here, just how little I'm
actually doing that. I haven't thought about home all that much since I got
here and I've thought even less about what everyone in the family is doing. I
pray for all of you daily and for your success in everything that you are doing
right now with the move and the new position in Dad's work. But even here in
Italy some things I can't seem to get away from and one of those things is just
how much I used to talk with all my siblings (except Nolahn because I'm onot
sure how often he checks his email).
I was studying this blessing and really
seeing it in a new light when I realized just how little I followed it's
council when I lived with you because I thought a lot of your rules were either
stifling or just didn't make any sense, or maybe because I was very selfish and
didn't like people imposing things on me. In any case, I didn't appreciate the
rules and because of that I missed out on the principles that you were trying
to teach me. I bought a smart phone to show Dad that he couldn't tell me what
to do because if I wanted to do something then I could. But here in the mission
another Anziano Andersen told me a story about his driving record of 7 speeding
tickets and how President Pickerd took him aside and asked him if it would be a
smart thing to let someone who has a history of speeding to drive in the
mission. This story helped me really understand why you were upset with me when
I bought the phone. You didn't care that I made the decision on my own, you
were hurt that I didn't trust your judgment and thought that I was the
exception to the rule of addiction.
I never wanted to tell you where I was
going or what I was doing because as we've discussed before, Regann would
always say too much and then get into trouble because that's just how things worked.
I wouldn't say anything because if I gave you nothing to use then all you had
were opinions that couldn't be justifiably used to punish me because it
wouldn't work. I would just ignore the punishment and continue to sneak out or
just do whatever I wanted to. But now I realize it was to teach me
accountability and show trust and respect to my parents and those I was with.
It's better to learn late then not at all, and I know that I will be realizing
more and more while I'm on my mission just what correct principles you taught
me that I didn't realize at the time because I was clouded by my self
absorption and pride or doubt and disgust at myself for lacking self control
and falling victim to something as vile as pornography.
Dad, I have harbored many hard feelings
for you over the years because of things that have happened or that you've done
that make no sense or make perfect sense and that's why they anger me. I've
listed some of the examples for stuff that didn't make sense at the time, but now
I'm going to tell you some things that made sense and really still hurt me and
some of my siblings whenever we think about them.
You are very honest. Candid. Blunt,
crass and a few other words that mean slight variations of those four. It's not
bad to have any of these qualities. However it is bad to have them in an
unchecked abundance or to have the desire to always be right. While out here I
realized that I do have that desire to always be right about everything I say
and feel embarrassed when I don't know something or say something slightly
incorrect. So I understand that. But it hurts all of your kids when you do that
all the time with what seems to be very little thought for how we might feel
when you say something. Regann told me the other day that she doesn't want you
to be around her kids because of the way you act and the things you say. Harmon
told me about the fight you and him had and how it almost got physical. Payton
told me how she knows you are stressed with your job and is just so very
concerned for you and I am as well because I want you to succeed.
Now I'm not saying that everything I
just mentioned is only your fault. We both know Regann is a drama queen. We
both know Harmon is a bit of a punk and we both know Payton is the sweetest kid
you have, which is why I'm typing this. I love you, and I'm here to ask for
your forgiveness as well as to give you mine. I didn't appreciate you because I
couldn't look past your faults as a human. But I know you weren't raised with
very many correct principles in your home or a very loving mother, I wish I
could do more than just send this email and say "I'm sorry" but I am.
I'm so very sorry, every night this past week I've been waking up with
something on my mind that I did to disrespect you, or to be a punk. All
throughout the night this will happen.
I love you Dad, and I will do everything
I can these next two years to learn to love and to better myself with
everything you and Mom taught me to do during my childhood. In addition to
this, I'm doing this thing called a "40 day fast" and I will attach
the pictures for this challenge at the end of this message. I love you Dad, I
love you Mom. Have a wonderful day and I look forward to seeing you in two
years 😁😁.
Anziano Anderson
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